1001 Truisms!

( Proverbs-Maxims-Adages-Aphorisms-Cliches and 'Wise Old Sayings'. )

The 'ONE-LINERS' listed below were shamelessly lifted from an interesting blogsite belonging to Vegard Skjefstad

Here's a link to his website:

http://www.vegard.net/one-liners/

 

43% of all statistics are worthless.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.

A bachelorís life is no life for a single man.

A bad plan is better than no plan.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ó Groucho Marx

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ó Emo Philips

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a womanís birthday but never remembers her age. ó Robert Frost

A drunk mansí words are a sober mansí thoughts.

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

A generation which ignores history has no past Ė and no future. ó Robert A. Heinlein

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesnít.

A gentleman is a patient wolf.A good pun is its own reword.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ó Winston Churchill

A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girlís complexion seem what it ainít.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. ó Doug Larson

A man on a date wonders if heíll get lucky. The woman already knows.

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

A professor is one who talks in someone elseís sleep.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. ó Joseph Stalin

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students

A weekend wasted isnít a wasted weekend.A witty saying proves nothing. ó Voltaire

According to my calculations the problem doesnít exist.

Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

All programmers are optimists. ó Frederick P. Brooks, Jr

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. ó Damian Conway

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.

Any fool can know. The point is to understand. ó Albert Einstein

Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. ó Voltaire

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.

Attitude determines your altitude.

Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! StaaaayÖ

Bad spellers of the world untie!

Bald guys never have a bad hair day.

Batteries not included.

Be good Ė and if you canít be good, be careful.

Be good; if you canít be good, have fun.

Be naughty Ė save santa the trip.

Be nice to your kids. Theyíll choose your nursing home.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.

Beer Ė the reason I wake up every afternoon.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? ó George Carlin

Best viewed on my computer.

Better late than really late.

Between two evils always pick the one you havenít tried. ó Mae West

Biology grows on you.

Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. ó George Bernard Shaw

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. ó Kin Hubbard

Bravery is being the only one who knows youíre afraid.

Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.

Carpenterís rule: cut to fit; beat into place.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium Ė my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Clones are people two.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ó Mark Twain

Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

Come to the dark side Ė we have cookies.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. ó Pablo Picasso

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. ó Ambrose Redmoon

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear Ė not absence of fear. ó Mark Twain

Crime doesnít payÖ does that mean my job is a crime?

Criminal Lawyer Ė a redundant phrase.

Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.

Dawn is natureís way of telling you to go to bed.

Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.

Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Donít argue with a fool. The spectators canít tell the difference.

Donít be humble, youíre not that great.

Donít be irreplaceable. If you canít be replaced, you canít be promoted.

Donít be sexist. Broads hate that.

Donít believe everything you think.

Donít cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Donít follow me, Iím lost too.

Donít let yesterday take up to much of today.

Donít look unless youíre prepared to see.

Donít steal a police car unless youíre prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.

Donít tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Donít tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Donít trust reality. After all, itís only a collective hunch.

Drive defensively Ė buy a tank.

Drugs cause amnesia and other things I canít remember.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Eagles may soar, but weasels donít get sucked into jet engines.

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.

Earth first! (Weíll strip-mine the other planets later).

Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

Elevators smell different to midgets.

Entropy isnít what it used to be.

Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everybody has a plan, ítill they get hit. ó Mike Tyson

Everybody is somebody elseís weirdo.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.

Everyone leaves the world a little better Ė some by leaving.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe Iíll have another beer. ó William Claude Dukenfield

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ó Leo Tolstoy

Everything is always okay in the end, if itís not okay, then itís not the end.

Examine what is said, not who speaks.

Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.

Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?

Experience is something you donít get until just after you need it.

Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. ó Oscar Wilde

F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Failure is not an option Ė itís a lifestyle.

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. ó Henry Ford

Failure teaches success.

Faster hardware doesnít solve business problems Ė unless the business problem is slow hardware.

Fill whatís empty, empty whatís full, scratch where it itches.

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure. ó Mark Twain

First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. ó Douglas Adams

For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong. ó H.L. Mencken

For good, return good. For evil, return justice.

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.

Freedom of speech is wonderful Ė right up there with the freedom not to listen.

Friendly fire Ė isnít.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. ó Thomas Jones

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

Frog blast the vent core!

Gee, Toto, I donít think weíre in Kansas anymore.

Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.

God will forgive me. Thatís his job, after all.

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. ó Albert Einstein

Half the people you know are below average.

Happiness isnít having what you want, itís wanting what you have.

Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?

Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. ó Confucius

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?

Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you donít like pizza?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Honk if you like peace and quiet.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time. ó Fred Brooks

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door youíre on.

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ó Pablo Picasso

I am not single, Iím romantically challenged.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

I can resist everything except temptation. ó Oscar Wilde

I canít complain, but sometimes I still do.

I canít spell and beer doesnít help.

I couldnít repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didnít say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I donít care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!

I donít mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so thatís how it comes out. ó Bill Hicks

I donít mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

I donít suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I donít care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. ó Groucho Marx

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account. ó Conan OíBrien

I have a drinking problem Ė the bars close at 2 AM.

I have a strong will but a weak wonít.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I canít get my wife to go swimming. ó Jimmy Carter

I intend to live forever, or die trying. ó Groucho Marx

I know Iím paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? ó Tom Clancy

I like being single. Iím always there when I need me.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

I only drink to make other people more sociable.

I prefer old age to the alternative.

I quote people to better express myself.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. ó Peter Kaye

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ó Henny Youngman

I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

Iíd buy you a drink, but Iíd be jealous of the straw.

Iíd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Iím a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore Iím perfect.

Iím busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Iím not a vegetarian because I love animals. Iím a vegetarian because I hate plants. ó A. Whitney Brown

Iím not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.

Iím not normally a praying man, but if youíre up there, please save me, Superman!

Iím not paranoid, they really are after me.

Iím trying to see things from your point of view, but I canít get my head that far up your ass.

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, itís still a foolish thing.

If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesnít get very far.

If a man tells a woman sheís beautiful sheíll overlook most of his other lies.

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldnít be at all surprised.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.

If at first you donít succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you donít succeed, failure may be your style.

If at first you donít succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

If at first you donít succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

If at first you donít succeed, quit; donít be a nut about success.

If at first you donít succeed, redefine success.

If at first you donít succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you donít succeed, try a shorter bungee.

If at first you donít succeed; call it version 1.0.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If blind people wear sunglasses, why donít deaf people wear earmuffs?

If everything seems to be going right, you obviously donít know what the hell is going on.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajitaís, cause thatís what heís getting.

If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work Ďgayí?

If I look confused itís because Iím thinking.

If I misbehave and nobody sees me, thatís one less lie Iíll have to tell later. ó Dave Dunseath

If ignorance is bliss, why arenít more people happy?

If it can go wrong it probably already has.

If it wasnít for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If itís stupid but works, it isnít stupid.

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!

If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?

If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?

If things get any worse, Iíll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If two wrongs donít make a right, try three. ó Laurence J. Peter

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

If we donít protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

If we donít succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If weíd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

If you can see this, youíre not blind, which is a very good start.

If you canít learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you canít remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you didnít get caught, did you really do it?

If you donít care where you are, then you ainít lost.

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you take something away from users, theyíll sneak it in the back way.

If you tell the truth you donít have to remember anything.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If you try and donít succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If you understand what youíre doing, youíre not learning anything.

If youíre happy, youíre successful.

If youíre not having fun, then youíre not doing it right.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, donít stand in her way. ó Stan Levenson

Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.

In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?

In America, anybody can be president. Thatís one of the risks you take.

In mathematics you donít understand things. You just get used to them. ó Johann von Neumann

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. ó Charles, Count Talleyrand

In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ó Rita Mae Brown

It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. ó Albert Einstein

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. ó Oscar Wilde

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Itís better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.

Itís better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.

Itís better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.

Itís like deja vu all over again.

Itís not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do whatís required. ó Winston Churchill

Itís not reality thatís important, but how you perceive things.

Itís not that Iím afraid to die, I just donít want to be there when it happens. ó Woody Allen

Itís not whether you win or lose, itís how you look when you play the game.

Itís one thing to give advice, itís another to take it.

Itís people that give drinking a bad name.

Itís the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

Iím not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

Learn from my parentís mistake. Donít have kids!

Learn from your parentsí mistakes Ė use birth control.

Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Letís play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.

Life exists for no known purpose.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease ó R. D. Laing

Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so donít complain about the draught.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. Itís the transition thatís troublesome. ó Isaac Asimov

Life is what happens to you when youíre busy making other plans.

Life isnít about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ó George Bernard Shaw

Lifeís a bitch, and then youíre reincarnated.

Lifeís a bleach and then you dye.

Light travels faster than sound. Thatís why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Linux is only free if your time is worthless.

LinuxÖ Because Iím better than you.

Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.

Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. ó Lord Dunsany

Look to the future, because that is where youíll spend the rest of your life. ó George Burns

Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Man invented language to satisfy his own deep need to complain.

Man who stand on toilet...is high on pot. (Confucious)

Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.

Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

Married men live longer than single men, but theyíre a lot more willing to die.

Matrimony isnít a word, itís a sentence.

Maybe this world is another planetís hell.

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. ó Blaise Pascal

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ĎNoí is the answer. ó Erik Naggum

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Monday is the root of all evil.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.

Most people donít act stupid Ė itís the real thing.

Most people would rather be certain theyíre miserable than risk being happy. ó Robert Anthony

Mother told me to be good, but sheís been wrong before.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. ó Woody Allen

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

Never buy a car you canít push.

Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. ó Isaac Asimov

Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Never waste a lie when the truth will do. ó Jack Clancy

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.

No matter how old you are, thereís always something good to look forward to. ó Lynn Johnston

No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.

No-one suspects the butterfly!

Nostalgia isnít what it used to be.

Not all men are foolsÖ Some are bachelors.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Of course thereís no reason for it, itís just our policy.

Old age is nothing to worry about, except if youíre a cheese.

Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, itís hard to get it back in.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

Only users lose drugs.

Optimist: Someone without much experience.

Patience has its limits Ė take it too far and its cowardice. ó George Jackson

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid itís true.

Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but thatís not why we do it. ó Richard Feynman

Pretend to spank me Ė Iím a pseudo-masochist!

Programmers never die. They just become legacy. ó epsilona01

Programming is like sex: one mistake and youíre providing support for a lifetime. ó Michael Sinz

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. ó Evelyn Waugh

Quando omni flunkus moritati Ė when all else fails, play dead.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldnít want to live there.

Reality is for people who canít handle drugs.

Rehab is for quitters.

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. ó Joss Whedon

Resistance isnít futile, itís voltage divided by amperage.

Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Save water Ė take a bath with your neighborís daughter.

Send lawyers, guns and money!

Sex is like air; itís not important unless you arenít getting any.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Sex on tv canít hurt unless you fall off.

Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

Smile, itís the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ó Fletcher Knebel

So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy. ó Dalai Lama

Software isnít released, itís allowed to escape.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. ó Oscar Wilde

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Spelling is a lossed art.

Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.

Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting. ó Heinlein

Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.

Sure, whenÖ Ė oink flap oink flap Ė well Iíll be darned!

Systems arenít made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. Theyíre made from code, wires and hardware.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Teamwork is essential Ė it allows you to blame someone else.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected. ó Cousin Woodman

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The best things in life arenít things.

The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before. ó Bill Gates

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ó Albert Einstein

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised theyíre going to be when you kill them.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, Iíll consider it. ó Joan Rivers

The future will be better tomorrow.

The Killer Ducks are coming!

The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. ó Robert Bloch

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ĎEureka!í, but ĎThatís funnyÖí ó Isaac Asimov

The only certain thing in life is death.

The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.

The only really decent thing to do behind a personís back is pat it.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because itís unfamiliar territory. ó Paul Fix

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ó Edmund Burke

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. ó James Branch Cabell

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

The problem with the future is it turns into the present.

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. ó Oscar Wilde

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

The revolution will not be televised.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time youíll have to catch up.

The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

The web isnít better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who donít.

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

There are three types of people Ė those who can count and those who canít.

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We donít believe this to be a coincidence. ó Jeremy S. Anderson

There are two types of people Ė those who divide people into two types, and those who donít.

There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. ó Bill Hicks

There is no time like the pleasant.

Thereís a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Thereís too much blood in my alcohol system.

They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

Theyíre only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

Think much, Speak little, Write less.

This sentence contradicts itself ó no actually it doesnít.

This website may not be idiot proof, but at least itís dimwit resistant.

This will be a memorable month ó no matter how hard you try to forget.

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ó Isaac Asimov

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.

To be is to do Ė Socrates, To do is to be Ė Sartre, Do be do be do Ė Sinatra

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.

To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.

To err is hunam.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Todayís children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful. ó Mae West

Too much of everything is just enough.

Tracers work both ways.

Trying is failing with honors.

Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. ó Arthur C. Clarke

Two wrongs donít make a right, but three lefts do.

Two wrongs donít make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.

Two wrongs donít make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Unix is user friendly Ė itís just picky about its friends.

Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro Ė I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but itís never really expected.

War does not determine who is right Ė only who is left. ó George Bernard Shaw

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We all canít be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

We found Jesus Ė he was behind the sofa all along.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Welcome to Hell. Hereís your copy of Windows ME.

Welcome what you canít avoid.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What has been seen cannot be unseen.

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.

Whatever happens, ignore it all.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When all else fails, admit iím right and kiss my ass.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

When everythingís coming your way, youíre in the wrong lane.

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep ó not screaming, like the passengers in his car. ó Jack Handey

When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now Iím beginning to believe it.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

When itís dark enough you can see the stars.

When someone points skyward, itís the fool that looks at the finger.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you donít know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

While having never invented a sin, Iím trying to perfect several.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

With a rubber duck, youíre never alone.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.

Worry is a misuse of the imagination.

Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

XML is like violence. If it doesnít solve your problem, youíre not using enough of it.

You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ó Mae West

You can tune a piano, but you canít tuna fish.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You donít have to explain something you never said.

You donít learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.

You have enemies? Good. That means youíve stood up for something, sometime in your life. ó Winston Churchill

You laugh at me because Iím different. I laugh at you because youíre all the same. ó Jonathan Davis

You may delay, but Time will not. ó Benjamin Franklin

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

Youíre driving a car. It isnít a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.

Youíre just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.

Youíre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Youíre only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

 

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